Everyone around me seems to have their lives sorted out. They either have a job or they are at uni. Me on the other hand, I have nothing other than a dull life. I spend my days wishing that I had the confidence and the motivation to do things that everyone else manages to do but I struggle with.
While getting a job to some people is 'exciting' and an 'easy' thing to do, for me it's a terrifying thing. If you were to hold me over the edge of a very tall building, I probably would still find getting a job more terrifying than that. Obviously it's normal for people to get those 'job nerves' but for me, it's a lot more than just 'nerves'.
People always ask me "What are you doing with your life? Do you have a job?" and my answer is always "I don't have a job and I pretty much do nothing" to which then they give me a weird look and I automatically feel intimidated and judged which then obviously triggers off my anxiety so I have to try not to burst out crying. When they ask me "Why don't you have a job?", I always have to lie and say "I just can't find one" which I suppose is technically true but that isn't the main reason. I can't just answer with "I don't have a job because I'm terrified and I don't want a job to make me even more unhappier than I already am" because I know that some people won't understand and would probably tell me to "get over it".
I've had one job in my life and that back in 2014 when I was an elf for a day in December. At that time, I had just been diagnosed with anxiety and I was seeing a counsellor so it was an overwhelming thing for me. Performing is something I love doing and I did Performing Arts at college for 2 years. Unfortunately during my last show, I messed up my lines in front of about 300 people. Since then, I have lost my confidence when it comes to performing so I found being an elf a big struggle. I remember standing out in the freezing cold in my elf costume all on my own and I had to stop myself from having a panic attack.
I went for my first job interview in September last year and that has also knocked my confidence down. The woman judged me for not having a job since leaving college and tried forcing me to tell her exactly why and what I had been doing with my life. Not forgetting that I nearly had a panic attack during the interview and while I was trying to remain calm, she tried rushing me to answer her. So yeah, my first job interview experience was fantastic.
I wanted to do this blog post as a way of letting things out as I really struggle to talk to people about how I'm feeling. It's a pretty shitty when you feel like you are letting your parents down because you can't do things most people your age can.
If anybody else feels the same when it comes to jobs, please feel free to comment below, message me on tumblr (jodderss.tumblr.com) or tweet me (https://twitter.com/Jodders_)
Also, if anybody needs someone to talk to about anything then I am here for you :) x
I'm not a violent person but if anxiety was a person, I would hit him/her with wooden spoons...
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